The 'New One'

I've taken a break tonight from adding to the ‘New One’ to just talk. Funny how I say talk while in fact it’s writing. You see, in my mind, I am having a perfectly private conversation with each of you. Somewhere in the clouded room in my mind there is a table set appropriately still with two very uncomfortable chairs. Sounds familiar actually, but that is off topic. HAHA! (No Butterfly moments tonight)

I recently had a conversation with a dear friend in regards to the emotional roller-coaster I’ve been on in the last week since the writing began. Some stories take on a life of their own, and push us to face demons we have locked away deep within. I tend to be the z-typical writer that tries everything backwards. Write first, and then create an outline. Somehow it gets put together. Problem I’ve faced with this z-typical persona is that my characters have all recently been killed off. 

Yes, we have all heard. My writers block consists of a total 9 unfinished novels where ALL my main characters have been murdered. Funny thing is…I have a Huge smile on my face right now just talking about it. It’s flipping hilarious to me. Instead of being frustrated, I just think it’s the funniest thing.

It’s all led me to the story I’m writing now. Back to my roots, I’m writing what Everyone I have encountered wants to read-SEX, INTRIGUE, and IMMORAL. In the mist of waiting for my sci-fi to be officially published I’ve taken to this INSANE ride of madness. But, she isn’t dead yet, so it obviously must be Meant to be.

Or is it? I can recall my days of writing Malicious Truth and seriously, there wasn’t a day that passed during that process that I wasn’t ready to kill, Ava, but purposefully. I hated her with a passion. But why? I despised her because deep down, she wasn’t this horrible person. She was the product of her environment. And look at me, trying to excuse her. I SHOULDN’T!!! She was horrible, detestable, and ultimately despicable. And somehow I managed to make you see her beauty, her softer side, the vulnerability that we are each culprits of.

Well, my new leading lady, who I will keep nameless for the time being, is just as bad if not worse. Or maybe it just seems that way to me because this novel is in first person. Yes, ladies and gentlemen, I am the voice behind the deceit. To some, that could be considered scary since my own little quirks are questionable at best.

Needless to say, the roller-coaster of anger and hurt has been a real eye opener to all that goes on in relationships. We are never fully at right to question others choices, nor the decisions they have made in their lives. Always keeping in mind that the truth is in the eye of the beholder, it may be beautiful and perfect in your light, but malicious and cruel in mine.

Truths can be real in our heart, but reality screams at us with everything it has making it an utter lie. The hardest truth to tell is that of Love. Where some believe that there are many shades of gray when believing in love, My truth, the one I hold on to as I write these novels is that Love is as simple as Black and White.

But like I said, this is why I am on the roller-coaster, gotta get it out first so then later, you can read the explanation.

Darkest Before The Dawn

 It’s true, that saying which says it is always Darkest before the Dawn. The trial and tribulations we face in life lead us to this very statement. When the mountain seems to crumble before us, we become blinded by our fears. It is then that we are blindsided by anger, resentment, and disappointment. What then do we do in this precise moment of Dark?  We dig deep for the strength within, that confidence in our soul that screams at us, telling us we can accomplish anything. –What do you mean you don’t hear it….Of course you can’t, you have to have faith that it is there and just keep digging, keep doing, keep trying. The moment you quit, you fail. It’s as simple as that. The moment you allow yourself to say, “This is Impossible” you have let your fear win and you are a failure. What do you mean that’s Harsh – No, it’s reality. The moment you quit trying to achieve something, you have failed at doing.

I’m not saying this for a motivational purpose; I am merely repeating what I have been taught. You ask me, on any day of the week, “How did you do that?” and I will tell you, I found a way. I gave up my ideal on what I wanted…not giving up on achieving them, just on how to attain them. I decided to go for one thing at a time, Busting my ass at each and every dream at that moment. Have I gotten Everything I Ever wanted? –The answer is simple, No, but then again, I can compromise the when and more importantly the How.

Compromise…The MOST important word in getting out of the Dark. I made a list about 5 years ago, or more like a dream board, hung it next to my desk and kept thumb tacking dreams to it. In that time, I have taken pictures and notes down, not just because I have achieved the dream but because I compromised their importance. Do you really NEED certain dreams; are they for the greater good? Can you have something in a smaller scale, or is it a MUST that you have it be so Grand. I laugh at this part because most of us would put Mansion, million dollars, etc. etc. Well…think about it, do you really Really want a mansion to have to clean all the time? Would you want to pay the enormous taxes on being a millionaire…could you compromise and have something in the middle, for example: your house being paid off…or having money in a savings account and being able to pay your bills and not be in the red once you’re done.

The only reason I’m even writing this is because I found a new sense of happiness when I finally learned the importance of Looking at the Bigger Picture. It’s not the most important thing for me to have one of my books on the New York Times best-seller list. I mean, it would be nice but the just the fact that my books are being published is what I find as the accomplishment. Bigger Picture: I’ve always wanted a vineyard, but I don’t Need all the land to know I can grow grapes and make wine…I have 7 vines growing and producing European grapes and they are still alive. I’ve succeeded to overcome my black-thumb. POINT: I’m happy with the small achievements which keeps me in the light.

I suppose we must learn to be truly happy with all the small things before we can make it past the dawn.

-April Gutierrez  

1/14/2011

Saying Goodbye to 2011

2011 will go down as my pause year. As insane as that sounds considering how loud the first part of the year was for me, it seems that I got stuck in a rut and gave up on everything. I let my fears take over and let everything just Stop. Upon waking up this morning, I let the newness consume every thought, every idea and I’ve made up my mind….Fear will not ruin me. I know my limitations now, I accept what has been and what will never be, but I’m still going to dream. I have always, and will always be a dreamer. The flip side to having dreams is actually accomplishing them...the single moment which is given upon attaining such things is short and bittersweet. Who wouldn’t want more? I am raising 3 impressionable children and can’t imagine them going their whole life without dreaming something outlandish. Health or no health, some things only burn out the light of our existence. The biggest lesson that 2011 left me was about control. We don’t have any control over anything other than ourselves. Our actions are reactions to others actions and we don’t have any power over those. The grander scheme of things boils down to the fact that we have to roll with the punches and make the best out of the life we are given. Mistakes are made, decisions are set before us, and all we can do is accept what is.  I am thankful for those who have stuck beside me, through all the tough patches because those are the moments that define us. A friend told me recently that I’m not dying which means anything is possible, so no matter what 2012 brings any of us, my actions and choices will change. Because I may not be able to control others or what they do, or don’t do, but I Sure as Hell can do my very best to be the girl I was meant to be. Outlandish dreams and all!

~A.Gutierrez 1/2012~

What it truly means?!?!

Since the week before Thanksgiving I've been struggling with 'What is Right', 'What is Complex', and 'What I Want'. The want is actually simple...I merely want to make it to Christmas Day without having to go into the hospital. The complex falls into the juggling my schedule and responsibilities, which I have not lessened since my last visit to the doctors. But the last of the three is the shadiest, the 'What is Right'. You see, this simple 3 word statement falls into the heated arguments of my soul. This has been the greatest of all three struggles and I'm on my last leg of not fully understanding it, so my literal explanation will help me clear that up.

It is not my place to say what is right for any person other than myself. I know this. My mind, honestly, Knows this. But my HEART, well, My heart has another tale to tell. It doesn't really tell either, it Yells, Screams, and pleas with all the obstacles that cause it pain. Exasperated with all the family crap the holidays bring, I just have to say: sit down and THINK!

A little melodramatic? well, just a little I suppose, but if you could only see the tears my heart bleeds from it all. Because It is Right to be with your family. It is right to pick up the phone and suck up your pride for one God Damn Time in your life...especially during the holidays. It is RIGHT to acknowledge when you have done something wrong, been stubborn, Ignorant, and even Childish. It is right to look at the bigger picture and For Once in your entire existence realize that you are not the only one in a huge group of people with troubles and let downs. It is right to FORGIVE when someone repents their mistakes, and acknowledges when they've done something wrong...and More so, to actually Admit to making a mistake. It is Right to be the Bigger person and compromise when a solution can't be made.

Absence does Not make the heart grow fonder...it leaves the remains of a tainted bruise which will linger a hurt every minute of everyday. And I'm not talking about one of those aches that come and goes. No, it's the kind that follows you everywhere. The kind that smacks you at just the right moment when something triggers a tender memory. Those memories we hold most treasured in our hearts. And then what...It is Right to forgo pride to let forgiveness heal the broken relationship.

Yeah, I would say that the 'What is Right' has been what is keeping me off track and out of the Full Christmas Spirit this year. Here, I am planning everything from car rides to see twinkle-lights, the fun parties, the caroling, tree decorating and warm nights by the fire. All the while waiting for others to do the Right thing.

Waiting leads to disappointment because it is an expectation that the other person will actually meet you half way...and in some cases, even a miracle won't make a mountain move. The lesson 2011 has taught me is that Expectations are nice to have on paper, or in a mental notepad but in reality...you will never be Let Down by anyone if you don't expect anything from them. Cynical? No- not at all....Realistic.

So it all comes down to this:  I end up asking myself...What does it truly mean??

And my answer is Simple - On Christmas Eve, the holiest child was born, to a world filled with people not knowing 'What is Right'.          I know what is Right, because I have not lost track of my faith. I am not Lost because I have treasured Love and Peace from Believing. Christmas isn't about monetary items...It's about Faith, Family, and Friends.

Winter is Weeping!

Winter is weeping
for we have forgotten
its elegance and wonder.

It cries to recall
the stillness of morning,
when the wind has abandoned
its nightly game.

It begs to be forgiven
for the chill
which engulfs the soul in torment,
it means only to keep us company.

Winter is weeping
these long summer nights,
it watches us dance and sing
in the warmth of darkness.

It longs for our innocent smile
while it sheds its first snow,
the one most anticipated of all.

It urges us to make way
for that which is almost always forgotten,
for with all its beauty,
its pain is devastating to all.


Winter is weeping.

`April Dawn Gutierrez 2011`

Chance ....is there anything else?

So last week I found myself driving around the city, not really wanting to get back to reality. I just wasn't ready to face my life. In that childless car I could actually hear myself think...something  I hadn't carefully done in quite some time. And in that thinking, I passed a landmark, a place which in a distant past had virtually changed everything in my life, took me down a unexpected path.

So the question came. then ...as I turned the corner and carefully glanced back one last time to make sure it wasn't just my mind playing tricks...Was it Chance, or Fate? That particular question opened a Lot of doors in what my mind was ready to accept as an answer, that universal question... Is everything we do predestined, as if it was created for us alone to experience in a unique way. Is why we are here for one specific purpose? Or is everything we do, every choice we make, the path we end up taking just... Chance?

I had to ask the question to another thought provoker and the answer was satisfying enough...but ultimately selfish. Chance is scientific...Fate and Destiny fall in the romanticism part of us being human. The egotistical belief that we are here, part of the universe because it was made 'For Us' and not because we are apart of something altogether unexplainable.

I choose to Selfishly believe that we are apart of something as opposed to the alternative. Why? because it means I am relieved of having to be here for a purpose...to influence someone, to complete a pre-destined path so that a greater good can be accomplished. The weight of such a belief is ENORMOUS! believe me. Once you accept that things could be different and put your mind into thinking that scientifically everything is just up to Chance, Wow! Its incredible the type of smile that will cross your face.

That 'what could have been', and 'could still be' fall on your own choices. You can choose to take an action and believe that if chance is with you, then it is meant to be. Live your life, knowing that every choice you make takes you down a different road. Good, Bad, it doesn't really matter, because either way it is Your choice, not some pre-destined idea that things are meant to happen a certain way because someone, some Greater being has fated us that way.

I suppose that this is one of my more Bologna filled blogs because some things are easier said than done, and lets face it, I have more romanticism ideals than anyone I know, so my analytical brain will only last so long. Eventually I will start writing about a character who has these same thoughts and ends up leaning towards the fate and destiny line of belief. HA!

My Opinion about Education in America in 2011

Common sense has become a vacant asset in politics for quite some time. I appreciate that I am not a politician but when it comes to the basics, I learned a few things along the way. ‘Take care of the bottom or your house of cards will eventually collapse. Educate the future thinkers of our nation and we will continue to be the power house of the globe’. The common sense in that statement has obviously eluded our government.

Actions speak louder than Words. So while I sit here and write a blog of my thoughts and observations, these words pale in comparison to the Actions great leaders of our beloved country are taking.

Education is the ‘Red-Headed Stepchild’ of Employments in the United States of America. On January 25th, 2011 our standing President, Barak Obama, took the pedestal for his State of the Union address and firmly spoke to the youth of our country, stating “To every young person listening tonight who’s contemplating their career choice: If you want to make a difference in the life of our nation, if you want to make a difference in the life of a child – become a teacher. Your country needs you.”

It was Incredible that night, sitting there while my children were just falling asleep, to hear a leader urging the youth of his country to spend tens of thousands of dollars on a higher education; specifically when his government, states and federal, are cutting budgets to the point of bleeding the educational system. First year teachers are getting laid off before they can even start working for the coming school year. Those newly graduating college students, having earned a Bachelor’s degree to be someone who ‘Makes a Difference’, have no job prospects available because the politicians under his command feel education is not important enough to fit ‘into’ the budget. Or make the necessary compromises to keep teachers employed.

Again, I will state, Actions speak louder than words.

The people in a democratic nation are given the right to decide who will represent our voice. Yes, as insane as that sounds, we are the cause of our own grief. We place faith in the hands of individuals who have perfected the art of manipulation and deceit. We respect them until the moment the other shoe drops and we are faced with having nothing to show for it. Oh, Wait, we do have something to show for it: Debt, Loss, War, and Disgrace, and a nation whose unemployment rate is at an all time high of 9.1%. For those of you who like to see actual numbers: that is roughly 27,937,596 United States Citizens unemployed at the moment. Thousands of those now standing in the Unemployment line are educators who at one time or another taught the minds of our future generations. I get chills thinking about a future society that lacks a stable education because our current Political representatives can’t see the importance of nurturing the minds of our youth.

The United States has become the laughing stock of the planet and our leaders are more concerned with pointing the finger, stating the need to create accountability instead of taking the Common Sense route and finding solutions. Fine, I agree with accountability but not for it to be the end-all to the system. Common sense leads the way to the ‘shades of gray’ in education. One of the primary things we learn in becoming educators is that Education itself is filled with infamous 'shades of gray'. The children we are molding to be our future, they are the thumbprint of difference. No two ever the same, similar-yes, but never the same. The system itself should not be held to a black and white complex. It proves only that we are building ourselves to eventually become enclosed with road-blocks.

If we are ever to become similar to those countries that the president spoke of, in his address back in January, with admiration and I dare say Envy, whose educated youth are far more advance than that of our nation, I’d say his Political leaders are going about his vision for change in the wrong way.

The statement ‘We the people’, has become, ‘We the abandoned and betrayed’. The life we live in the 21st century becoming more of a flash back to a movie where Rome is the center of attention. We have not Leaders, we have senators and a republic looking to fill its pockets with the treasures earned from the sweat of the suffering. The empty promised of a better future, of a Change which will bring us Out of Depression, only turning our hopes into oppression. It wouldn’t be so detrimental to the foundation of our lives if we were as ignorant as they wished us to be.

We have raised the greatest minds of our time and yet they, the government, thinks us to lack a Chess-Form way of looking at our future. Every choice made today effects tomorrow.

Birthday Thoughts

I thought of writing this blog last night in the mist of an aggravated Insomnia...I say aggravated because my mind apparently is at war with the Ambien-Benedryl combination I've been taking this past week :) Birthdays usually push me into a whirlwind of memories...so I suppose it's better that I'm writing this blog in the middle of a busy day then last night when my mind was reliving all Kinds of crazy things. Years of compounded memories flooding the mind all at once is not always a great thing. I am now free of foot-in-mouth moments I suppose!

Anyhow~ The celebration of one's birth should be a wondrous thing. The awe-inspiring idea that our mortal existence could at any second be taken away from us becomes a moment of cheer that we have achieved one more year of life. Hooray, I am closer to that moment.  [Pause] ... sigh and chuckle at the thought.

So what are my thoughts?? Well...they are more like wishes. Which is why I've decided on baking 31 cupcakes...each with it's own candle for a wish. Sound silly? Nah...I have lots to wish for this year. And as silly as most would think it would be for a grown woman to put 31 candles on 31 separate cupcakes....well...I suppose you would just have to Really know me and....And, you would have to know my humorous way of coping.

Bear with me ;)  Wishes are for children who tightly shut their eyes and pray that somewhere in that pile of perfectly wrapped gifts is that One special item they jumped up and down for in the store while begging mommy and daddy, all the while assuring them that they would do their chores. {Smiles} I know, I've got 3 kids, and I can remember doing that to my mom.        And yes, I agree to some degree that blowing out candles as an adult is just vaguely silly. But mostly that is because as an adult we lose that magic of moments like birthdays, and Holidays...where gifts are not carefully chosen by loved ones...they appear~virtually out of No Where. ~Shrugs Shoulders~ what can I say...I'm living because of that Magic of those moment. Wishes are like prayers....but as a child we just don't realize it that way. Miracles are magical...and explanations are not really needed.

That first candle I blow out tonight in front of my family... that first wish that I will make with tightly shut eyes.........That I will have another birthday to celebrate next year......the second wish ~ that I will have a birthday the year after that...So On and So Forth. I think you get the point. I just want more time. That's It! HA! 

So my birthday thoughts this year all boil down to what is. All the thinking, All the ghosts of things un-lived and everything else that just isn't part of Life......~sigh~ they just don't cut it this year. And honestly after everything I've learned in the past 7 months, I doubt that weightless wishes will ever cause me to shut my eyes and pray. The beauty of happiness is that its Free.

Unfortunately it is also Bittersweet.

-April D. Gutierrez

The Selfish person I am!

The Selfish Person I am!

Looking back through my entire life, I can see why those loud voices preach my selfish ways. And now, sitting alone when I can gather my thoughts without interruption I find one argument nagging ever so painfully. 

I shouldn’t have to excuse myself; I shouldn’t even have to explain…I was raised with a strong personality and precise conviction. And though I shouldn’t have to say anything, I will say plenty. I’ve learned along the way that no one can take away your morality unless you’ve given them the right to. No one can take away your happiness unless you allow them to do so. No one can push you to have a swayed opinion unless you choose to bend to your beliefs. 

I’m so selfish that at an early age I was made to chose a path which tore my soul apart..and did so, baring the consequences on my own shoulders alone. I’m so selfish that I decided to end a loveless marriage so that love could truly be found. I am so selfish that I accepted who I am as a whole person and found forgiveness to be a gift and not a choice. 

I am so selfish that I have always compromised thinking that others, older and deemed wiser would be mature in their actions. I am so selfish that when asked what I want…my reply is usually one to benefit others.

Now let me explain the one nagging argument that none really take into account. The last week of Dec 2010 I almost DIED. I left the hospital with hope…but also with warning.  Warning that the war with my body is not over, and that going forward will be like walking on eggshells, the time on the clock ticking away with answers far and few in between. 

I get that no one knows exactly how their life will turn out, but you tell ME if I don’t have the right to be just a little Fucking selfish knowing that I could die at any moment. 

I am so sick and tired of hearing that I am selfish, more so by people who lack the knowledge of what it’s like living a day in my shoes. You wake up every god damn day with a headache that debilitates you, and rely on medicine to function normally. You tell me after years of that how you relate to people in general. You tell me what its like to bust your ass to accomplish life goals as if everything was perfect…and still accomplish them without giving up. You tell me what its like to be a parent to 3 small children and still make them breakfast, lunch and dinner, bathe them, do homework with them, and still read a book to them at bedtime. You tell me…With all of that, how you still can be a good partner to your husband or wife...and I’m not talking about just the relations part...I’m referring to how you can still be compassionate and loving to them.

You tell me! Please how all of this makes me a selfish person. It’s simple…Your opinion is based on the fact that I don’t agree with you…You know how many Opinions I don’t agree with? 

MANY!!! A LOT more that you can imagine. But you don’t see me making you feel like shit about it. I don’t point the finger because there are plenty to get pointed back. I’m not perfect! I never said I was. But when I hear someone saying loud and clear to me that I am Selfish…My reply is Simple…

Yes the fuck I am! And I have every right to be at this point in my life. I have an expiration date stamped on my brain…and if that means I’m selfish with my actions then so be it. I refuse to apologize for living the remainder of my life the way I chose to live. 

If you want to exclude yourself because you don’t agree, well, I’m sorry for you because I learned a long time ago that no matter what I’m the idiot that learned the true lesson of forgiveness…which means eventually I will forgive the ridiculous comments, lashings, and vile opinions because that is who I am…the selfish one!