Release of Thoughts

I’m really tired and cannot write on my story….
Some things in life are not certain.

I was once sat down by a “teacher” who wanted to pass down a word of advice. Mind you at 17 I thought I knew all there was to know. I could no sooner imagine that life would be what it truly is. The choices, the paths, and the ultimate consequences we end up dealing with. The advice was to play the chess board in your mind before you made a decision. Simple I would say, but then the variables were never explained to me.
The variables are the fatal diagnoses just when you were thinking of having children, the drunk drivers on a Sunday morning drive, the hangovers just before your wedding, little oops’ that cause life to become a little more complicated. The variables are not on the calendar, they are life’s unexpected guests, life’s practical jokes. They come in all shapes and sizes and at any moment of the day. They can be friends who are upset, or someone new that just has no idea. They can be family from out of town or the sibling that never calls. The variables can be your best friend who has done something out of character or your husband who’s taken on a hobby.
Contemplating everything becomes dull and we tend to forget that once upon a time we were completely different people, fun people, organic, everyday run of the mill people. The speed bumps causing for all the rough edges, for a once polished face.
Its 1251 in the morning and I’ve been up all night. I’m not tired but I want to sleep. I see the images of faces I’ve never met, I hear the voices of a conversation that I just wrote. I just turned 29 and I feel like I’m about to explode. I go go go and nothing gets done. The only thing I can control is how the stories will end and look at me, crying because of their happiness. The variables are the left hooks that no one saw coming. The path that you take when you didn’t know you were walking. I understand that path, those steps. They are familiar and yet my hands and legs fight against the waves that crash, the current too dark, too violent. The sea too unsteady.
I want to close my eyes at the start of a sunset and just feel the heat leaving the land. And know, even though my eyes are closed that when I open them there will be no more light. There is nothing wrong with wanting. There is nothing wrong with loving the “what” that makes certain things important. Tomorrow is uncertain, and yesterday is over. What does that make today…the chess board being wiped clean?