Changes

Wise words are often seen as phrases for temporary reflection. We are given short spouts of advice that help us through temporary rifts. When eventually we surpass those troubled moments, the words are often forgotten. We only recall the emotions of revelation, sense of relief that the light finally came on, then later the serenity of the calm that follows.


Our lives are filled with plenty of storms, the floods drown us with sorrows. Those erratic moments of turbulent uncertainty tend to end with us a plain of newness. Where once there was darkness, a clear light replaces our troubles.

Where does all this prolific talk come from? Recently I was faced with what most authors consider the darkest moments in their literary career. The “Writers Block” from hell was instilled in my creative force. Funny how I thought of it for so long as being much like what a golfer goes through when he gets the “shanks” … The mental game being infiltrated by an evil that changes everything. The only things that can rejuvenate the momentary loss of concentration is to dig deep and find the root of the dilemma.

So what’s my problem??? Well… I was rattled to the core and left with only life to contemplate.

Before this past December I was at the cusp of having all my goals accomplished, the college degree, the book publishing, even a love which woke my heart from a deep and dormant period. Everything was at its boiling point. And then the other shoe dropped. And it slammed so hard that it left a deep crater. The overall impact changing the future of what was once my little world.

I was diagnosed with a rare condition which almost killed me. Instead of instant death, I given a miracle of a second chance, one that offers me a little more time on this place we call Home.

So what does all this have to do with my writers block? …. Everything! Besides the fact that it took me a while to get back to my laptop, now I sit listening more to the music which once inspired the stories in my heart then to the movement my fingers would have to create. Now, I sit outside more to feel the icy cold of the North or the warmth of the Spring on my cheeks, those simple sensations keeping me alive. Now my heart is filled with anger, regret and hurt, knowing first hand that tomorrow is Not promised, and every moment we have is all I have to give. Nothing is replaceable, least of all time. So while once I was comfortable with stealing moments from my life to write to calm my soul, now its one moment less my children have with their mother. And being that Every choice I have ever made, was made because of the impact it has on my children’s future, I’m weighing more towards the fact that they deserve me more.

Someone recently expressed that we all go through seasons in life and that maybe having finished four novel was all I was meant to accomplish. And sitting here now I see the point. The peace of laying under a cloudless sky, with the crisp green grass beneath my body and the warmth of the sun on my cheeks is worth more than any monetary value a story would bring me. The smiles and squeals of joy which erupt from my daughter as I chase her on the shoreline at a gorgeous white sanded beach, is priceless, irreplaceable.

A soul could live an entire life knowing heartache and struggles because peace is never truly known. That same soul would die wishing for the peace they longed for, but how would they know of peace in death if they never experienced it in life. The moment I decided that I would Live as best I could, I struggled with what I wanted out of the rest of my life.

2011 became a clean slate for me. A new lease on life. The past is left where it is. Nothing mattering more than the present moments. I won’t lie though, the moment that gentle breeze begins to blow, I feel an overwhelming eagerness to express the most beautiful of story to anyone who will read it. So here I am, with my laptop on my legs, my children fast asleep and I have opted Not to sleep soundly…I will (Try) to give you my best Post Surgery Novel.

And this time, I won’t be writing because someone said I couldn’t do it….~Smiles~…I will write because he had faith that I could.



April Dawn Gutierrez