The Selfish person I am!

The Selfish Person I am!

Looking back through my entire life, I can see why those loud voices preach my selfish ways. And now, sitting alone when I can gather my thoughts without interruption I find one argument nagging ever so painfully. 

I shouldn’t have to excuse myself; I shouldn’t even have to explain…I was raised with a strong personality and precise conviction. And though I shouldn’t have to say anything, I will say plenty. I’ve learned along the way that no one can take away your morality unless you’ve given them the right to. No one can take away your happiness unless you allow them to do so. No one can push you to have a swayed opinion unless you choose to bend to your beliefs. 

I’m so selfish that at an early age I was made to chose a path which tore my soul apart..and did so, baring the consequences on my own shoulders alone. I’m so selfish that I decided to end a loveless marriage so that love could truly be found. I am so selfish that I accepted who I am as a whole person and found forgiveness to be a gift and not a choice. 

I am so selfish that I have always compromised thinking that others, older and deemed wiser would be mature in their actions. I am so selfish that when asked what I want…my reply is usually one to benefit others.

Now let me explain the one nagging argument that none really take into account. The last week of Dec 2010 I almost DIED. I left the hospital with hope…but also with warning.  Warning that the war with my body is not over, and that going forward will be like walking on eggshells, the time on the clock ticking away with answers far and few in between. 

I get that no one knows exactly how their life will turn out, but you tell ME if I don’t have the right to be just a little Fucking selfish knowing that I could die at any moment. 

I am so sick and tired of hearing that I am selfish, more so by people who lack the knowledge of what it’s like living a day in my shoes. You wake up every god damn day with a headache that debilitates you, and rely on medicine to function normally. You tell me after years of that how you relate to people in general. You tell me what its like to bust your ass to accomplish life goals as if everything was perfect…and still accomplish them without giving up. You tell me what its like to be a parent to 3 small children and still make them breakfast, lunch and dinner, bathe them, do homework with them, and still read a book to them at bedtime. You tell me…With all of that, how you still can be a good partner to your husband or wife...and I’m not talking about just the relations part...I’m referring to how you can still be compassionate and loving to them.

You tell me! Please how all of this makes me a selfish person. It’s simple…Your opinion is based on the fact that I don’t agree with you…You know how many Opinions I don’t agree with? 

MANY!!! A LOT more that you can imagine. But you don’t see me making you feel like shit about it. I don’t point the finger because there are plenty to get pointed back. I’m not perfect! I never said I was. But when I hear someone saying loud and clear to me that I am Selfish…My reply is Simple…

Yes the fuck I am! And I have every right to be at this point in my life. I have an expiration date stamped on my brain…and if that means I’m selfish with my actions then so be it. I refuse to apologize for living the remainder of my life the way I chose to live. 

If you want to exclude yourself because you don’t agree, well, I’m sorry for you because I learned a long time ago that no matter what I’m the idiot that learned the true lesson of forgiveness…which means eventually I will forgive the ridiculous comments, lashings, and vile opinions because that is who I am…the selfish one!